Author: intensethinks

Behind a bolted door, inside a dark room- lies an overpacked box slowly bursting at the seams. As the edges bend and the corners split, a glimpse of what is inside shows. Stored away lay all of the demons planted in our minds… securely locked away. One rip and others will see what is being covered. All of the unloved qualities spilling out, like a spreading disease. A thick smoke that makes others disappear, erasing what was said as a promise. This box contains a black hole with an endless pit, once opened the restless darkness devours all hope. This is why they are hidden to make it seem as if the voice aren’t there pounding at the box designed to suppress them. Screaming to escape and unveil the true evil deep within. Eventually, by wear and tear, the box will show what it has been holding… Exposing me to the loneliness I tried to bolt behind the door.

Behind every smile lies a hidden face. One only seen in dark hours, uncovered only behind closed doors. Some have the ability to seamlessly blend their smile, concealing all of the pain. While others cant quite keep the crawling thoughts from breaking the seal between what we feel and what we show. Underneath this perfectly crafted public face rests what we hope we can hide from the world. Everyone must eventually take this glued down mask off, releasing the dark cloud of suppressed agony that has been eating away at the synthetic smile. Finally free, the shadow overtakes our feelings. We overflow with the despair we fought so hard to smother, falling victim to the dark parts of our minds. The reason we never eliminate this ruinous fog is because we repeatedly layer on an acrylic happiness. Forcing the self doubt to brew with a camouflaged shield from the light. You may be able to paint on a new emotion, but the silhouette of pain will always be waiting behind your big smile.

Our worst fears come alive at night. Once natures lights have faded the nocturnal thoughts start racing. What was a small worry has blossomed into a web of concern. anxieties and pain that have been caught by this web lay engulfed by our continuous thinking. our minds are overworking to keep the cluster of stress hidden. Coming more alive as the dark progresses, causing another sleepless night….because There is no off switch to the expanding pressure in our heads.

A year ago i would have hid from a reflection, to scared to see what would be looking at me through the other side. A year ago i would have held myself in a ball not able to breath, feeling unworthy of compliments from those i compared myself too. A year ago I would have written a list of my hated flaws, tear drops on the page while reading it repeatedly. A year ago i hated myself.

But today, i see an amazing women staring back through the glass in my room. Today i compliment myself, building a platform for me to stand on instead of hiding beneath the ones others have built. Today i see my flaws, but embrace the ones that i can’t change and push towards making me better.

Self esteem is knowing that if you met yourself out in public, you would want to be that persons friend. Self esteem is taking pride in your compassion and actions towards others. And self esteem is taking a stand when others don’t have a ground to support them. Self esteem is your view on who you are, not what you look like.

Popping happy pills

To suppress the bad feels.

Depressed thoughts corroding my brain.

Mind breaks making me insane.

Looking at you, i cripple in vain.

You never know who is aching;

So many of us are out here faking.

Putting a mask on to try to hide

What we shove deep inside.

Darkest parts never show;

Unless the light from others start to glow.

Comparing our demons to the ones they own,

Wanting to trade, so yours will leave you alone.

We all face a wall,

One that stares at you until you fall.

On our knees we beg to end it all.

Helping others climb over, so you don’t have to try

To uncover the monsters on the other side.

blocks forming from what we don’t show;

Seeping through the seams we tried to hand sew.

Once a person discovers those spills,

They leave you…

just you, and your pills.

Nobody hears me, no matter how loud i am. I feel like im trapped in a sound proof box on a busy street. Screaming for help but my voice gets engulfed by the obsorbing walls. Individuals locking their eyes onto mine but their ear drums are stuffed. This box i stand in has no cracks or holes for someone to hear my cries, so i spend my time listening to my own. The false echo of my voice rings as it bounces from the glass back to me. Reaching no one, having no meaning, pointless air leaving my lungs. I begin to stop. I Stop begging for someones hearing sense to slip through the box. I stop trying to make others comprehend the pain im experiencing in order to get their empathy. I stop searching for ways to ask for help. I stop gasping for oxygen in this stuffed box full of the words i used. I have just enough room to sit, the letters hugging all sides applying pressure. I have just enough air to tell myself- they cant hear and even if they could… they wouldn’t ever listen. Taking those 4 sound proof sides away wouldn’t change a thing. I can talk and talk but theres no ears willing to take it in. The box isn’t surrounding me, its locked in everyone but me. Meaning full sentences pushed out, i am left to read their lips and guess what they are saying while i sit in silence… plenty of air but no need to use any 

You see yourself differently than what others do, criticize your flaw more than they do, and inflict pain in your head instead of them. The figure mimicking your every move seems to determine your limitations. Their eyes gaze into yours, the same set yet so different. The sparkle from the light hitting the glass yet it looks so dull. Every blink, every twitch copied to perfection. You both look so alike but think so different. The image mirrored back to you doesn’t realize the reality of being accepted, doesn’t know what pretty looks like on other people. That silhouette has never seen anything other than flaws, imperfections and unchangeable features. It knows one thing, how their frame looks good reflecting back at you. The weight on your shoulders from that voice telling you that you need to look better and change doesn’t appear in the outline that stands tall in front of you. If only we could be that reflection.

Everyone has described someone as ugly, different, over weight or gross. But who has the right to determine what is unattractive? What is considered unappealing vs. beautiful? If everyone looks, thinks and feels different then why is someone considered repulsive for not dressing or looking the same? All the names we call people feed there inside voice convincing them its true. Every time those hideous words enter their ears that voice gets louder and strong. Feeding this representative of self doubt makes it develop a greater impact on how they see themselves in the mirror. Every dreadful label placed on their name is written in permanent market. Others might not see them, but that person remembers who wrote it and what their handwriting looks like. Soon enough your name can no longer be determined because those dark insults cover it up. Scribbled and carved into their name tag, their name is no longer just a word. Its all of the words they have been given. Deeply engraved into their self image, providing to that prompting of hate. Soon enough they won’t be able to see their reflection through all the wounds chiseled in their mind. 

The saying “we don’t know what we have until we lose it” means a lot more than we think. We are constantly wanting more than we contain. Desiring an upgrade makes us forget about all of the luxurious privileges we have in life. Suddenly nothing else is important until the wanted item is owned. The value before we receive it and as we are impatiently waiting is worth more than a million dollars can buy. We think of everything we can use it for or how we are going to accomplish the real reason we purchased this unneeded toy. When we have used this purchase it suddenly starts decreasing in our eyes, it becomes of less value. New objects catch our attention which leaves less for others. Its an endless cycle of wanting more, wanting what others have. That once prized item has been left on the shelf for years. Untouched. Unwanted. Used. Maybe you toss it or give it away to someone. but it eventually is gone, forgotten and never needed. In your mind that product has no effect on you, here or gone. Until you remember what it was like. Wanting that satisfaction of owning and displaying it again. You miss the device and being able to utilize the gadget when ever you pleased. That feeling of excitement comes back, the idea of wanting that upgrade. It grows with every moment you don’t have it in your experienced hands. You lost it, and now that feeling grows into a jealous cloud of negativity and selfishness which feeds on your hatred……

What if that item was a person? 

We convince others that they are true, telling extravagant stories that you wish happened. The tale streaming out of our mouth, passing our lips with no hesitation. Listeners question the reality of this twisted knot of a story. Once this narrative seeps into others ears it spreads, its grows like a sponge soaking up water. This article we told is now known by most people, and questioned by half. We constantly reassure the tall tale is honest, for so long that we eventually convince ourselves. Defending these made up words is like standing on thin air. Nothing is supporting us. eventually we will fall, but when we fall will be even deeper than where we started. We have climbed so high since this story has passed everyones ears, that we will go further when the truth does the same. Every word that spills out of your mouth like uncontrolled water is un heard because there are no more ears to listen. Lies multiply, and keep multiplying until they are stopped. Halting these unnecessary literates is like trying to tame a fire with gasoline. The only way to stop it is let it die down, and controlling it when it gets out of hand.